Screw them all!

It's been interesting how the Disney movie "Frozen" has just exploded these past six months. We all know how annoying and overplayed the song "Let it Go" has been, and not only in every four-year-old's living room, but even on the radio. Yes, the other day on the way home from work the movie version (not even the Demi version) of "Let it Go" was played on a top 40 hits radio station. I like to say that I have my own rendition to that song that's called "Eff it! Screw them all"! I know to many this may sound very blunt, but honestly this is how I feel and if people don't like it, well screw them! :P I have grown up in a society where there are so many social norms that I have to meet in order to be accepted as a man and even more so coming to Mormonville and having all these expectations to be the cookie cutter Peter Priesthood. But, quite frankly, I don't care anymore about how anyone feels about me except myself, my God, and my beautiful wife.
For example, while growing up in Taos, in order to "prove my straightness" I had to at least like a sport, like to play a sport, wear baggy "South Pole" clothes, be extra interested in cars and working on them, and treat every woman that I wasn't related to like a sex object instead of a human being, and especially love to go out shooting and fishing. If I did not fit into any of these specific layers of "manhood" I was considered gay. I have nothing against gays and actually have many friends who are, but it got old being called a "fag" from 5th grade to senior year just because I didn't fit into the social norms. Because of these male stereotypes, I thought girls were more interesting to hang out with. I liked musicals/singing and playing with hair and God forbid I be interested in fashion and actually dressing nice for more than just religious and formal occasions. But unfortunately, I still got caught up in hiding who I really was and conformed to dress like a cholo-esque

type of dude who desperately fought to avoid being called gay when deep inside I knew I wasn't--it was just what society wanted me to be. Because I didn't mesh with their expectations, I had to have been gay. I have even gone to play sports just to say I did, and I sucked at it! I would go fishing and hunting once in a while with my cousins, but each time I went it was mostly to hang out with them because the pastime was actually boring otherwise. I also had girlfriends throughout my adolescence and forced myself to kiss or show extra PDA just to prove that I was straight and sexually attracted to the girls I dated. I still found people who thankfully accepted me for who I was, but even now I'm trying to embrace that person that has been trapped and those people who accepted me at one point don't want to accept me now for the person I have allowed myself to become.

As a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I realized that even as a person of Mexican decent there were still so many expectations that I had to meet, and if I didn't meet them, I was never good enough to be considered part of their race. When I had returned home, I was accepted to BYU. I felt that I would finally able to be in a community where, because I was LDS, I would be fully accepted for who I was because we shared the same beliefs. MAN WAS I WRONG!
I want it to be perfectly clear that I love Being LDS and in another post I explain why, but in this one I just want to focus on the social aspect of it all.
It is really hard to be good all the time. Being LDS and growing up LDS, there were expectations for me to go to early morning seminary (daily scripture study classes), go to church early in the morning to prepare and usually bless the sacrament, not date till I was 16/ not have sex till marriage, not drink alcohol/coffee/certain teas, nor smoke/ drugs, dress modestly ( yes young men can can be sloppy and skanky too :P) and of course read scriptures, pray daily, and strive to be an example of Christ through how I express and treat others. But sometimes it's just plain difficult. Thankfully I have no problems with keeping my body from unhealthy substance habits (although I could lay off the amount of Coke I drink weekly :P), being sleazy in my dress and conduct is not a problem, my sex life is just fine and within my awesome marriage, and I strive to go to church every sunday with the exception of having to work once in a while, which of course is unavoidable in a retail job (and when I can't go to my own services, thankfully I live in Mormon land where there is a sacrament service every hour on Sundays :P). But I am struggling with  reading my scriptures and saying my prayers daily, as well as fulfilling other responsibilities within my ward, and my language unfortunately is not always the most pleasing to virgin ears and can be very PG-13. I'm not as straight-laced as I wish I could be, but I have finally accepted myself as a human being striving everyday to be a better person and step closer to my Heavenly Father. I do not feel like I need to prove to anyone that I am someone I am not. Repentance is a beautiful thing and if one masters to do so every day, then all I can say is the problems or sins that you may have are personal and between you and the Lord. My wife and I have decided to start two jars where we will fill them with some sort of rock for every cuss word or negative thought that we have about life. At the end of the week, whoever has the most rocks in their jar will have to cook for the family for the week. Once our beautiful baby girl is born we will make the punishment be diaper duty.

Today I came home early from church because my wife is bedridden and I wanted to give her company and make her breakfast. Outside our apartment one of our neighbors was yelling across her balcony to a person she apparently knew asking why she wasn't at church, so I decided to be snarky and yell out that it was none of her business. You could just imagine her disgust at my unwanted response :P.

I have come to the conclusion that people are going to judge you either way, and it's not okay but it's not worth worrying about. I know who I am and I will not let others who don't know me define me for who they think or WANT me to be. Just screw them all, You are you and thats okay.

Who the Crap is This Guy!?

You know thats the exact same question I've been asking myself for the past 25 years and to this day I have only come up with one conclusion, I'm a child of God. Hehe... oh, you mean who am I on this earth? Well, that's a good question. You see, I am a victim of an identity crisis and "'Merica" doesn't seem to want to give me a good name. I was born and raised and in a small little town in Northern New Mexico called Taos.

Yes, New Mexico. Did you know that its been a state for 101 years since January? But I guess disregarding those few years of state-hood, many people have kept their ignorance at a high and still think that we are part of good ol' Mexico. 

Oh, it gets even better when asked what ethnicity I am. I'd say I'm Mexican by blood, completely born and raised along with my lovely mother and my awesome father, who are also considered Americans of Mexican decent. You may ask how that's possible. Well, that's easy, My ancestors were Mexicans who stayed in New Mexico when it became a state and many generations later, I got lucky or cursed depending on how you see it,  to be born on United States soil. I am an outcast of many of my stereotypical social groups and I would like to give you a little secret as to why this is true. I ACTUALLY ALLOW MYSELF TO BE ME! I'm not the Vato-Loco-Baggy-jeans-flannel-shirt-Cholo-with-a-mustache that we see as the Stereotype of an American Mexican.

 Neither am I the Ranchero-curlytip-boots-banda-lover. 

I claim Spain as the mother country, but hate the history of how I became its descendant. I also claim the Native American culture even though because of who I am and where I come from, I may never ever receive the same acceptance.

But I have to admit, I've gotten used to the fact that I'm not accepted, and am ok with being treated like a mutt. In middle school it was all about identifying who you are and where you came from. I went to a charter middle school and many of the students were Caucasian. And of course, because I wasn't white enough I never was considered a real American. When going to High school, same exact experience happened except with my Mexican friends and it hit me; Selena's dad was right. If anyone has seen the old movie of Selena Quintanilla Perez's life they know exactly what I'm talking about. People born in my situation have a harder struggle of being accepted as just being a fellow human being. And don't get me started on being LDS, let's just save that for the next post.
so for for now, good night and until next time.

Aqui estoy! Si no me quieres, pues ya ni modo!

Who am I? That's a really good question. I can go on and on about where and who I'm from but I am going to narrow it down to three artifacts that identify me socially, culturally and ethnically;
1. My wedding band.

My ring identifies me in society as a married man. I am married to a beautiful young woman who I have known since I was little. My wedding band reminds me everyday of how I as a human being, I believe in being fully committed to the one I love through the act of marriage. Marriage is not only my legal right but it is a privilege and I have made that decision to be part of my identity forever. When my wife was 11 years old, her sister and her decided, one night that they were going to have a little sleepover on the trampoline. Being in the summer time and near irrigation ditches, meant that it was also mosquito season. While sleeping, both girls received many mosquito bites, but it was one mosquito in particular that bit my wife that happened to transmit West Nile virus into my wife's immune system. This of course caused her whole body to have an auto immune reaction. Instead of fighting against the virus, it started to attack and destroy her amino acid transporter cells which happened to be the cells that communicate with the brain to allow there to be coordination in the body. Slowly my wife lost her ability to walk and then her ability to speak and soon after that she was placed in a wheel chair with a feeding tube inside her stomach. For seven long and torturous years my wife was completely trapped inside her body. She had no control whatsoever but what consciously there. When she was fifteen, she miraculously started to get better (I was a senior in high school at this time). But after receiving gall bladder surgery her faced faced too much stress which caused her to have a relapse and she was stuck in her wheel chair once again.

When leaving for a two year religious mission for my church i had her make a promise with me. She was to do everything in her power to stay positive and do everything she could to get better, and I came home I was to see her walking down the football stadium receiving her diploma and my end of the bargain was to take her to the harry potter park, at universal studios--you have to understand that Harry Potter plays a very important role in our friendship. When I came home sure enough she was better and was walking once again. Our friendship continued to be strong and our feeling began to grow to mor ethan just a friend ship, after a year of bing home on the mission I had gained to courage to ask her to be my girlfriend and thats when every thing started to fall into place. I had kept my promise and after dating for a few months I had kept my side of the bargain and i took her to Universal studios in Orlando Florida and the night after that we went to go see the last Harry Potter premiere where I had gained to courage to ask her to be my wife. That was in the summer of 2011 and we were planning on getting married in April 2012. We both felt strongly about December but both families refused to help us if we were to plan a wedding so soon into to year (to us it seemed like it was still too far away. When I went back to college. During the beginning of the semester my roommate and I were watching the oscars and a local commercial from Fox 13 came on saying that they were hosting a dream wedding contest and we had to enter online in order to win an $19,000 wedding. I had asked my roommate to help me fill out the application and within a week we were chosen as one of the five finalist couples of 300 entries which allowed us to take over facebook as much as we could. We campaigned and campaigned and campaigned and eventually all that campaigning paid off and we won the contest which allowed us to receive the photography, the wedding dress, the catering, the venue, the dj, the honeymoon suite, and of course the rings. Oh and they were only offering us all of these things if we agreed to get married in December. Of course we agreed!

                                   

2. My Temple Recommend. its interesting how one tiny piece of paper can mean so much to my identity. Culturally not only am I Hispanic/Latino/Chicano I am Also LDS. This Little paper is a great reminder of who I am and who I strive to be every day. When going into an interview to receive this interview I am asked several questions from my Bishop (the leader of my local congregation) and then my Stake President ( the Leader of my local congregation and the rest of them in my local area). The question allow me to reflect who I am as a person. Asking if I have a Testimony of God the Eternal Father, Jesus Christ the Redeemer, and The Holy Ghost as my constant spiritual companion. more Questions regarding my personal belief that Joseph Smith was a Prophet, That we have Prophets today, and that our local leader are all called by the prophet from Christ himself. Along those lines I Am asked questions about keeping commandments and treating my fellow men with love and honesty and then asked to state my own personal feeling on whether I feel worthy to enter into the House of the Lord. The Temple is considered the holiest place on earth. Everyone i allowed the opportunity to enter the temple, but they are to be spiritually prepared or they will not understand completely the blessings and instruction they are to receive within the temple. A temple recommend is personal, and should be something that is flaunted or bragged about. Not everyone is spiritually ready to go into the temple and sometimes there are certain sins that can impede us from enter into this sacred building. I share this recommend as my second artifact because that is what reminds me of who I am and who want to remain to be. 

3. Last but certainly not the least is our Tortilla Warmer. 

 This says everything about me ethnically. There is hardly ever a meal where my family never eats without handmade flour tortillas. My mom even taught each and everyone of my siblings and myself how to make tortillas before we grew old enough to leave the house. Tortillas are our bread. They are also sometimes our spoons. But we do not eat beans and chile, our enchiladas, nor our frito pies without our tortillas. I have always grown up with tortillas and when My wife and I got married one of the first items on our wedding registry at bed bath and beyond was this specific tortilla warmer. Tortillas remind both my wife and I of where we came from and they remind us of this simple tradition that has been passed on from generation to generation and will continue to be passed on to our children as well. In the olden days Flour, yeast, oil and salt were sometimes the only items that could be afforded, we are reminded as a hispanic family that when we make tortillas it is to remind us of the blessings that we are provided in life. Trials may be hard be we will never grow hungry. As simple and silly as this artifact may be, it says a lot about who I am.